Bootlegger 300 2020

I havent been training, but I did a hard 200 a fortnight ago, figured it would be that, just a bit easier

And did a tiny bit of maintenance riding.

For amusement, I brought along a decent speaker, to roll through towns at midnight blasting offensive rap. I stopped for a moment to switch it on at the base of Antsey's and... well that was the last time I saw anyone for a very long time.

Then: it rains.

I get to Inglewood, a car Slams on the brakes! I panic. What the hell is going on! Turns out it's a koala sauntering across the road, like he owns everything. Oh dear, I'm losing time aren't I?

I blow through the graveyard control, top up water and get moving, because everyone must be at least 10-15 minutes ahead with how slowly I'm going.

Woodside to Nairne? A light fell off at 50km/h going downhill. More delays fetching it and all of the little attachments from 200m back uphill. The Xon axle mount is turning out to be a failed experiment.

Meanwhile, its wet and hot and humid but lonely; not unlike being hugged by a large Queenslander. 

I pause to text a friend in Nairne, warning her of a deranged lunatic in lycra haunting the area.

Slowly, dragged my carcass out to Murray Bridge. Sweating more than usual, I figure its humidity not letting it evaporate. My glasses are filthy, and have come off, I see a shadow beside the road which must be a kangaroo or fencepost; but I can't shake the feeling its an ominous predator.
Gooseflesh runs across me.

My music dies. I had been rolling through towns playing offensive hip hop all night; exchanging shouted banter with the Mt Torrens Pub - the 13 hour battery life is clearly a lie. I suppose I don't need it, I know the course for another few hours.

Closer and closer I get, about 5km out from the control and everyone is coming back. Oh, that's not good; I usually catch then while they eat, cut my break short and... well that's not happening.

I spend a few more minutes, fix the light. It's an Australian start up's product, and I'm not impressed. When I accidentally leave it on one setting too high and it eats battery like its cake; I'm less impressed; and finally least impressed of all when it starts to warn it will run out in the middle of a long ass descent; while my other light is off the bike, charging.

A nerve wracking 7 minutes of down, and it thankfully holds out.

I murder my legs a revolution at a time on the way back to Kanmantoo, Dawsley. I realise along with the extreme sweating, my heart rate is all over the shop. Almost every other ride, I have about an hour of higher intensity; then it drops to a flat Endurance pace; no matter what.

We're in the tiny hours of the morning and to avoid blowing up further, I put in breaks when climbing. Even walking for 30 second patches. I vacillate between Hot and Cold, never able to get the right mix of layers and waterproofing, evaporation.

It drags on and on. I start to do the math and get it wrong lots: am I completely behind the deadlines? Are controls going to start closing? I'm busting my guts here and skimping rest; but the numbers seem against me (turns out, its just sleep deprivation and paranoia).

Layering mistake leaving Lobethal control, more time lost changing it.

4am: The moon disappears.

6am: Crafers. The light of day emerges; and my lights can disappear. Down the freeway; I'm stuck behind someone who is taking it easy, but manages to never quite let me pass; then shoots off. Oh, gee, thanks.

North adelaide, I finally fill up some water - but only 600ml. Head out for the last 100km. I am fucking wrecked. The phone tries to send me for a second 200km first loop.

I tried to go to the bathroom at one point and my body was like uh, I will let you know when we need to; because buddy, that's not now.

I took my first 10 minute power nap at windy point, went from wrecked to only mildly chewed up. I attribute this to laying in dirt and ants.

Finally on the way to Clarendon, I stopped to remove layers - the base layer I had was like a wetsuit, the camelbak adding to that. Felt loads better, but a Helpful Other Cyclist wanted to check I was okay.
I wasn't, but I said I was - all I wanted was a few seconds of privacy to crawl out of this nightmare of baking underlayers.

I also refused to take water from him. Dumb. But there are rules about outside help and I wasn't in an emergency, besides, I'd stop in Clarendon.

Except as I went through Clarendon:

Oh God, wasted so much time!So shot through Clarendon without stopping

Also dumb

Turns out heaps of farms use reclaimed water around Baker's Gully. I ran out. I walked more things. I was a zombie pushing a bike up a hill - but I still had a 20km average; that's PBP pace. Maybe it wasn't so bleak.

As I got to the tip of McLaren Vale; and something FLEW into me. I rolled half to a stop, took of my helmet and shook.

At which point the fucking Bee stung me, HARD. Only been stung twice. Protip: on sunburn is Not Ideal to be stung on

Sleep deprivation is kicking in, so a 10 minute nap in a park usually helps to a degree; but irresponsible mums let their childebeasts run free. I had to glare at one to not touch my bike.

Moana: I asked for cake, lemonade, and table water. I didn't want a lazy brunch. They gave me cake and lemonade, operating at relaxed people speed.

I finally had some more relief from baking sun and fluctuating heart rate with the showers along the beach, that was heaven.

I don't want to drink, I don't want to eat, I just wanted this done. I could smell my body burning protein whenever I woke up from a nap, but didn't feel hungry..

I finally get to the end. I'm that angry old man: racist toward people in my head, yelling at cars, feeling like interjecting with parenting advice

Finally, it's done. Fuck, why didnt I drive to the start. I go wash and lay down in a park. Dogs keep coming to say hello. 35m of sleep. Ring health direct, as the symptom checker tells me I'm currently dying. If I stand up, I get dizzy and start sweating. They say call a GP if it doesn't come good in two hours.
Honestly an IV to rehydrate sounds lovely. It's been a few hours now; and sadly... its mostly fixed.

Finally got my desire for water back in limited doses.

Fantastic! 6-7 litres water in during event. And 5L of sweat. 5L of exhalation.

By this point, there was no riding home. I called a friend and her partner to rescue me

And that's when it happened.

The coup de grace.

I had no shoes on, hobbled in to buy sports drinks while they waited nicely.

AND I STEPPED IN GUM!!!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffar out.